PATHETIC: YOU CAN'T EVEN COUNT ON TOMATOES, OR THE LAKERS AT HOME

Wow. I just watched perhaps the biggest blown lead in a sports game ever. Yes, I mean the Lakers losing to the Celtics at home. I will still refrain from making any NBA finals predictions, given my record of being wrong about this subject 99% of the time (which is just 1% less than Jeff Van Gundy!)

On to subjects I do know about:

THE SCOURGE OF TAINTED TOMATOES

You may have heard about the massive salmonella outbreak sweeping the West these days, the source being tomatoes. I had to laugh when I saw the FDA's official recommendation that consumers avoid "Roma tomatoes, round tomatoes, and plum tomatoes, but other tomatoes are considered safe." Hmmm- exactly which damn tomatoes are safe? Given that all tomatoes other than Roma tomatoes are generally "round," what the hell was the FDA thinking? I think they should have clarified the issue by simply stating: "If consumers can find tomatoes which are square, pyramidal, or shaped like a donut, they should eat those tomatoes, which do not occur in nature but can generally be regarded as safe."

But never fear: despite the FDA's incompetence, there are tomatoes that are safe to eat these days. They are:

1. Tomatoes you grow yourself.

2. "Cherry tomatoes"- yes, they are round, but round doesn't count if they are also "very little." But watch out for plum tomatoes, which are also round but just "kinda little!"

3. Tomatoes with the vine still attached. These are a great find, because for some reason they are cheaper than most other tomatoes this summer. There must have been a bumper crop. They are also juicy and delicious, and are great salad tomatoes and decent saucing tomatoes.

QUESTION: WHY DO TOMATOES HAVE SALMONELLA?

Answer: somehow, it's come from a contaminated water source. That's part of why tomatoes with the vine attached are safe- the part of the tomato where the vine was attached is porous, unlike the rest of the tomato, which is actually relatively impermeable to water. It likely has nothing to do with chicken or eggs, which we commonly associate with salmonella. How the water got contaminated, or why it has affected so many tomato producers, is still a mystery at this point (according to the FDA).

QUESTION 2: WHAT IF I GET SALMONELLA?

Answer: don't worry too much, you probably won't die. In fact, as of this morning only one person has died from salmonella-tainted tomatoes this year, and that person was already very ill. Salmonella generally will give you a ferocious case of diarrhea, with relatively frightening bloody, mucus-filled bowel movements. You will also have a fever, chills, muscle aches, and you will feel like crap. But even if you get no treatment whatsoever, your salmonella infection will almost certainly go away on its own in a week or less, and if you get an antibiotic from your doctor you'll get better a bit sooner. Still, it's probably not a great idea to skip out on your doctor if you have bloody diarrhea. If you've eaten a questionable tomato and you're feeling ill, make an appointment!

QUESTION 3: ARE ORGANIC TOMATOES SAFER?

Answer: I'm not sure. The best I can say is "probably." There is just not enough info yet on where exactly these tainted tomatoes are coming from. But given the wide spread of the epidemic, I would GUESS that the salmonella is affecting one or more large producers, and organic tomatoes usually come from small producers. So if you really want to eat a Roma or a plum tomato, I'd recommend it be an organic one, or one you grow yourself.

LATER THIS WEEK: WHAT EXACTLY IS A "SPRAIN?"