EASILY DIGESTIBLE FASHION TIPS FOR MEN

Here's another short, easy-to-read, digestible blog. Don't worry if you've submitted a reader question this week; I assure you, I'm working on those. I will be blogging on those only after I've done the comprehensive research required. I don't answer any question "off the top of my head." But I can comment on men's fashion off the top of my head. That's because "men's fashion" is an oxymoron. It's like talking about "Mormon cocktails" or "fun skin rashes." Men's fashion leaves much to be desired. Here's how you can avoid making it even worse. All you have to do is avoid making the following common men's fashion mistakes.

LAME MEN'S FASHION HABITS TO AVOID:

1. Oakley blades. In fact, just because they invented Oakley blades, I recommend that you avoid purchasing any Oakley product, unless it's BMX bike grips, which Oakley actually made exclusively when the company started, before they started making ugly sunglasses.

2. Pants without a belt. Only wear these if they are sweats. But do yourself a favor: don't wear sweats. There are much nicer sloppy clothes to wear.

3. Brown belt with black shoes or vice versa. You can wear this combination if you're colorblind and you have a large sign around your neck that says, "HI, I'M COLORBLIND."

4. The upside-down visor. In case it's not obvious, this simply sends the message, "My I.Q. is lower than yours."j

5. Puffy white shoes with jeans. In fact, if you have white shoes you should be:

-a nurse

-a guest at a disco party

-working out at the gym

6. Socks with sandals. You can wear socks with sandals if you have a broken foot and you're wearing an "orthopedic sandal," which is basically a shoe that makes it obvious that you have a broken foot. Make sure you have at least one crutch with you at all times.

7. Dress slacks with black athletic shoes or hiking shoes. Do you really want people to mistake you for a primary care doctor? If you do, go for it! Also, consider wearing a plaid shirt with a knit tie.

8. Pants with flip-flops. See my earlier blog on this subject.

9. Short running shorts. Why do men still wear these to Safeway? These are of questionable integrity even if you're actually running. Opt for something more aesthetically pleasing, like a Swedish thong or a Spandex body suit.

10. Windbreakers. Is there even any such thing as a "windbreaker" anymore? Unfortunately, yes. Feel free to wear one if you live in the Wyoming plains or if you're at a 70's party. In short, you should wear a windbreaker in any situation in which you might normally wear a "Members Only" jacket, or a plastic "poncho."

11. Flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off. I know it's shocking, but people in Denver still wear these, believe it or not. NOTE: these are still cool if you're a gay lumberjack with nice arms.

12. No underwear. There is a reason underwear was invented. It's called "civilization." If you don't wear underwear, consider adult diapers or checking yourself into a mental facility.

Sorry to be so harsh. I don't know why men's clothing concerns me so much. Women are just better dressers, at least most of them are.

HOW DO I KNOW I DON'T HAVE CANCER?

I see new patients every day, and some of them ask me to be "tested to make sure I don't have cancer." The truth is, there is really no test that can do this. The problems are:
1. There are too many cancers, and one test can't evaluate for all of them.
2. Most cancers are diagnosed by complicated imaging tests and biopsies, both of which are not completely safe. So it's generally not a good idea to do these tests unless your doctor has a high suspicion that you have cancer.
3. Some of the tests for cancer, particularly CT or CAT scans, can actually cause cancer. So again, you shouldn't get one unless you really need it.
However, there are "screening tests" for cancer- these are tests that are performed on healthy people to try to detect certain cancers early. There are only a few of them, because only a few tests have been shown to save lives by providing reliable information about cancer at an early stage. All people should get cancer screening tests, starting at various ages depending on the test. Please note: IF YOU HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY of cancer, your doctor may want to start doing screening tests on you at an early age. The below applies only to people who do not have a family history of cancer. Also: FAMILY HISTORY of an illness like cancer, in most cases, means that you have a parent or sibling with the disease in question, usually at a certain age. I know it sounds complicated. For example, if your mother had breast cancer before age 50, you have a family history of breast cancer. If your aunt had breast cancer at age 70, you don't have a family history of breast cancer. You really need to talk to your doctor about your family history to know what's relevant.
CANCER SCREENING TESTS YOU SHOULD HAVE:
1. Pap smears: this may actually be the single best cancer screening test in terms of lives saved. You need to start getting this test:
-if you're a woman
-at age 19
-at an earlier age if you're sexually active (within the year of becoming sexually active)
-how often? Yearly at first, but if you have 3 normal pap smears in a row and you're monogamous, you can then change to every 2-3 years.
2. Mammograms: there is controversy over whether to start these for women at age 40 or 50. I get them every 2-3 years in women 40-50, and yearly after that. If you want to make it easy to remember, just do one at the same time every year starting at age 40. All women should get mammograms, even if no one they even remotely know has ever gotten breast cancer!
3. Colon cancer screening. There are actually 3 total tests and you need at least 2 of them at various intervals. It works like this:
-start getting colon cancer tests at age 50.
-EVERY YEAR you should do a "stool card test", which detects blood in your stool.
-HAVE YOUR FIRST COLON SCOPE AT AGE 50. This may be what's called a "flexible sigmoidoscopy," a "colonoscopy," or a "virtual colonoscopy." Ask your doctor which is right for you, but do it at age 50.
-After your first colon scope, you need to do it again every 5 to 10 years, depending on what they found on the first scope. If you have any precancerous "colon polyps," you'll need to get a scope every 5 years.
-People seem terrified of colon scopes. But the whole thing takes 20-30 minutes and you can be sedated for the procedure. It's easy to do!
FOR THE GENERAL POPULATION, that's it, believe it or not. There are other cancer screening tests, and some of them are worth doing if you have a family history of cancer. But these 3 are the only ones in wide use for the general population. Beating cancer is not easy. But as you can see, getting your cancer screening done is.