EASILY DIGESTIBLE FASHION TIPS FOR MEN

Here's another short, easy-to-read, digestible blog. Don't worry if you've submitted a reader question this week; I assure you, I'm working on those. I will be blogging on those only after I've done the comprehensive research required. I don't answer any question "off the top of my head." But I can comment on men's fashion off the top of my head. That's because "men's fashion" is an oxymoron. It's like talking about "Mormon cocktails" or "fun skin rashes." Men's fashion leaves much to be desired. Here's how you can avoid making it even worse. All you have to do is avoid making the following common men's fashion mistakes.

LAME MEN'S FASHION HABITS TO AVOID:

1. Oakley blades. In fact, just because they invented Oakley blades, I recommend that you avoid purchasing any Oakley product, unless it's BMX bike grips, which Oakley actually made exclusively when the company started, before they started making ugly sunglasses.

2. Pants without a belt. Only wear these if they are sweats. But do yourself a favor: don't wear sweats. There are much nicer sloppy clothes to wear.

3. Brown belt with black shoes or vice versa. You can wear this combination if you're colorblind and you have a large sign around your neck that says, "HI, I'M COLORBLIND."

4. The upside-down visor. In case it's not obvious, this simply sends the message, "My I.Q. is lower than yours."j

5. Puffy white shoes with jeans. In fact, if you have white shoes you should be:

-a nurse

-a guest at a disco party

-working out at the gym

6. Socks with sandals. You can wear socks with sandals if you have a broken foot and you're wearing an "orthopedic sandal," which is basically a shoe that makes it obvious that you have a broken foot. Make sure you have at least one crutch with you at all times.

7. Dress slacks with black athletic shoes or hiking shoes. Do you really want people to mistake you for a primary care doctor? If you do, go for it! Also, consider wearing a plaid shirt with a knit tie.

8. Pants with flip-flops. See my earlier blog on this subject.

9. Short running shorts. Why do men still wear these to Safeway? These are of questionable integrity even if you're actually running. Opt for something more aesthetically pleasing, like a Swedish thong or a Spandex body suit.

10. Windbreakers. Is there even any such thing as a "windbreaker" anymore? Unfortunately, yes. Feel free to wear one if you live in the Wyoming plains or if you're at a 70's party. In short, you should wear a windbreaker in any situation in which you might normally wear a "Members Only" jacket, or a plastic "poncho."

11. Flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off. I know it's shocking, but people in Denver still wear these, believe it or not. NOTE: these are still cool if you're a gay lumberjack with nice arms.

12. No underwear. There is a reason underwear was invented. It's called "civilization." If you don't wear underwear, consider adult diapers or checking yourself into a mental facility.

Sorry to be so harsh. I don't know why men's clothing concerns me so much. Women are just better dressers, at least most of them are.