WHAT'S WRONG WITH DOUCHEBAGS?

The term "douchebag" is so commonly used as a term of derision, or in the context of an insult, that it's hard to remember that a true douchebag is a health care product. That's right- if you don't have enough "douchebags" in your life already, you can actually go down to Walgreen's and buy yourself one. Not only that, but they are cheap and come with a variety of pleasant-smelling concoctions.
WHY DO DOUCHEBAGS EXIST?
Douchebags have probably been around for thousands of years, like beer or giant pyramids. They came into common use in the Victorian era, and at that time they were primarily used as a form of birth control. Condoms at that time were not very reliable, and birth control pills and IUDs did not yet exist. Short of the "rhythm method," in which couples tried to avoid intercourse around a woman's ovulation, douchebags were really all someone could count on in days of yore. They were also used in preparation for intercourse, a use that was popularized by prostitutes- this was to keep the vagina "fresh." So you can think of douchebags historically as functioning as a sort of perfume before sex, and as a way to wash out semen after sex, to prevent pregnancy.
THE PROBLEM WITH DOUCHEBAGS
Though "douching" has become more sanitary, the problems is that douchebags don't really accomplish either of their historical functions very well. In addition, they can create problems of their own. Here's why you should avoid douching if at all possible:
1. Using douchebags is a terrible way to prevent pregnancy. Sperm are fast, and they hang on tight to the reproductive system. It can take less than a second for a sperm to make its way up to the Fallopian tube, where it is difficult to flush out. Douching will only flush out the stragglers, leaving a few million sperm unharmed.
2. Douching may actually flush something bad IN: the vagina and uterus do a very respectable job inhibiting the growth of harmful bacteria and other microbes, the kind that can cause sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Many STDs are able to get through these defenses, causing an annoying and painful infection. But these same STDs, particularly gonorrhea, can cause a much more dangerous infection called Pelvic Inflammatory Disease if they get beyond the uterus and into the Fallopian tubes. Because of the fluid pressure douchebags cause, they can actually push infectious organisms higher into the reproductive tract. There is a higher risk of Pelvic Inflammatory Disease, or severe reproductive infections, in women who douche; never mind the fact that douching does not prevent any STDs.
3. Douching has little to no affect on vaginal odor. The vagina is colonized by good, healthy bacteria, and it is these bacteria and your own natural vaginal secretions that produce odor, if you want to call it that. The vagina is also very active in maintaining its own fluid and chemistry. While douching may temporarily flush the vagina with a nice aromatic floral rinse, any resulting scent will be removed within minutes, not hours. Even frequent douching is unlikely to have any substantial impact on vaginal odor.
In short: unless you go through a time machine and find yourself in Victorian times, don't mess around with douchebags!

THE GYM

     Today I went to "the gym."   I don't go that often, these days.   Going to the gym, after all, is a pain in the ass.    However, I simply can't deny it, nor do I wish to: I really feel fantastic after a trip to the gym.

     I'm easy to spot at the gym.   I'm the guy with old, out-of-fashion gym clothes and a farmer's tan, sweating a lot on the treadmill or the exercise bike.   Once in a while I'll even lift some weights, and because I'm down with "hydration," I'm always surrounded by water bottles.   When my workout is over, I'm one of the 2-3 patrons who still likes so soak in the hot tub afterward.    I suppose I get my money's worth.    As with anything that costs money, "the gym" has its advantages and disadvantages.

THE GYM: DISADVANTAGES

1. Evenings and late afternoons: just like the doctor shortage in America, there must be a gym shortage.   Every gym I have ever been to is so packed between 5 and 8 PM as to almost make it not worth going.     You don't get much exercise when you're just standing around waiting to exercise.

2. The music: why must music at the gym always suck?   Solution: bring your own.

3. The people at the front desk asking, "did you bring your workout towel today?" before they let you in.   I have a feeling that's an absurdity unique to 24 Hour Fitness.

4. Parking.    But you can get around this by biking to the gym, which I did.  Once.

5. The cheap, weak gel-like soap substance in the showers that smells like chlorine.

6. Dudes who shave in the bathroom at the gym.   I'm not sure why, but they annoy me.   Maybe they live in trash cans behind the gym or something, like Oscar on Sesame Street.   If so, I can understand shaving at the gym.

THE GYM: ADVANTAGES

1. It's hard NOT to get some pretty good exercise at the gym, even during peak hours.

2. Mainstream gyms are pretty diverse these days.   Probably because all sorts of people have doctors telling them to go to the gym, all sorts of people go to the gym.   Even if you look terrible in spandex and you sweat like a pig, trust me: there will be many people at the gym who look more horrifying than you do.   No one cares.

3. Exercise equipment has gotten much, much better.  And it ain't cheap.   The treadmills at the gym have fans to keep you cool, instructions to get you going, and when you're done they tell you exactly how many calories you burned.   Unless you have a ton of cash, it's difficult to get machines that good to use at home.

4. A full workout and cool-down: where else but the gym offers you the ability to work your muscles with some weights, whip your heart into shape with a cardio machine, then get the muscles relaxing with a hot tub or sauna?   

5. Off hours: try going to the gym early in the morning, late at night, or mid-day.   You'll have access to whatever you want, without the crowds.

6. Classes: I'm not big on classes at the gym, but recently I started doing a spin class every now and then.   I can hardly walk the next day, but in a good way.    It was a brutal workout but the teacher kept the pace fast and it went by quickly...and it was fun.   Most gyms have a ton of classes.

7. Fashion exploration: you can wear anything at the gym.   And people do.   It is strangely liberating to wear fluorescent, breathable plastic gymwear and hideous shoes sometimes.  Try throwing in a headband to let people know what decade you were born in.   Just don't try to run on the treadmill in Crocs.

8. Mental improvement.   Don't discount the emotional benefits of a workout.   If you work out hard, you will leave the gym feeling content, or maybe even happy.   Perhaps even "euphoric."  Even if it wasn't so good for your body, a gym experience can be fantastic for your mind.  Try it. Don't worry if you don't own a "workout towel."