THE PINNACLE OF FASHION: CAMO

Last night as I sat around the airport for 6 hours waiting for another delayed flight (I can't recall the last time I flew on a flight that was on time), there was a kid sitting across from me and another kid sitting next to me; both were dressed head-to-toe in green camouflage outfits. My first thought was, "right on!" I myself was wearing a more subtle, "mossy oak desert sagebrush" camo shirt in tan, black, and hints of sage green. As I sat around the airport, pretending to read and making mental notes of passengers' poor fashion choices, I counted at least half a dozen people with camouflage clothing. None of them were soldiers, and none of them appeared to be going hunting.

If you haven't purchased camo clothing lately, you should know that the world of camouflage has exploded, much like the world of portable electronics. There are literally hundreds of camo patterns for various uses, and almost all stores, from high-fashion to variety to Army surplus, carry some camo items. You can buy camo sunglasses, watchbands, hats, towels, coolers, dinnerware, tents, shoes, socks, and infant pajamas- and that's just at the Super Target in north Denver. I personally think this is a wonderful thing. Camo, like many great things, was invented for military use (as was the Internet), and I think it's a triumph of civilization when a military invention becomes "demilitarized," and co-opted into peaceful civilian uses.

WHY YOU SHOULD WEAR CAMOUFLAGE CLOTHING

1. If you get a food or wine stain on camo clothing, no one will notice-not even you.

2. If you're into "supporting the troops," you can show your solidarity without all that "sacrificing your life for your country" business.

3. If you're opposed to the military, you can rebel by wearing camo at a peace rally or knitting circle.

4. If you like bird-watching, hunting, or fishing, camo potentially allows you to get closer to wildlife (hint: neon orange is not the best pattern for this use)

5. With all those earth-tones blended together, camo matches almost any other color or fashion accessory.

6. Children everywhere will think you're cool, or at least into dressing like they do.

7. Camo is not "stuck up." It's available everywhere- thus, it's the true "clothing of the people."

8. Camo compels complete strangers to ask you amazingly interesting questions, such as: "bagged any rutting elk on the Western Slope lately?"

9. Matching shoes are readily available. Can you say, "camo Crocs?"

10. Doesn't it sound fun to buy your new fall wardrobe at a store called "Bass Pro Shops?"

IN SUMMARY: Camo has nothing to do with your health. But my friends seem to love it so much when I wear it, that it must just make people happy somehow. Try it: you'll find it strangely compelling.

IS FASHION A HEALTH ISSUE?

    Some of my 2-3 readers may have noticed that occasionally in this blog, I make comments about fashion.   I have never been afraid to stray into controversy, which is why I can simultaneously say that "I care about fashion," and "people should wear Crocs."   Basically, I think that fashion has its time and place.   I think it's fun, and it's worth paying attention to: but not if it's destroying your health.   When I see patients with bunions, heel spurs, corns and calluses, and chronic foot pain, and they're wearing Jimmy Choo heels, I say: "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to quit fashion."   But when fashion is not causing you physical pain, I think it's both fun and at least somewhat important.   In fact, it may even be "healthy."

      Why is fashion, at least potentially, healthy?   Because, simply stated, it can make you feel good!   You see, health is not simply about avoiding illness and staying out of the hospital.  It's about feeling good, feeling alive, feeling "vital."   Some people absolutely don't need any sort of fashion to achieve this- but if you live in a city or any location in which you interact with lots of people, fashion might be a ticket to feeling a bit better about yourself.   It's also an opportunity to be creative and unique.   And contrary to what the New York big-name designers would like you to believe, fashion is neither an elitist nor an expensive endeavor: many of the most fashionable people cut their own hair, buy their clothes at Goodwill, and wear fake jewelry.     You see, fashion is like interior decorating: you can pay someone lots of money to do it for you, and it will probably look good, or you can be thrifty and creative, and make it look good yourself.   It's really up to you.

      So how do you bring fashion into your life?   Here's a hint: don't ask your doctor.   Most doctors know as much about fashion as winos know about sobriety.   Instead, just pay attention to people in your life who have a bit more "flair" in their clothing or hair.   Ask them for some tips.   Check out what people are wearing, or buying, in a hip thrift store.    Most of all, don't be shy- and certainly, don't be cautious.   Try wearing something that you would never dream of wearing.    And if all else fails: ask a gay guy to give you some fashion advice.  I have no idea why, but gay men often have a unique eye for good clothing and good makeup (provided that they are not gay men from Denver!)

      I know, fashion may not be at the top of your list of things that you want your doctor to talk about.    But I'm not your doctor.   I'm Doctor Tofuhead, and I don't want you to simply feel good.  I want you to look good.